Not a huge fan of the movie, Dumb and Dumber, mostly because if I wanted to watch unintelligent people, I don’t need to spend money. There’s an entire world out there of individuals making jackasses out of themselves and we have front row seats.
However, the title is apropos for today, as I’m going to give you five responses to five dumb things people say about diabetes. (Warning: You may not want to actually use these. Then again…)
1. “You have to take shots? I could never do that!”
The answer I want to give:
“Oh, I totally agree with you. I’d rather waste away, having my body slowly poison me with ketonic acid. I mean, dying slowly by acid is straight out of a sci-fi movie, right? The insatiable thirst I’d have? I love Diet Coke, so that’s a win. Drink as much as I want. I’m not really thrilled about that whole organs shutting down, going into a coma, and not waking up ever again, but what you gonna do, right?
Wait. I know. Take a shot because my life depends on it.”
2. “My (insert family member) had diabetes and had to have (insert body part) amputated/transplanted/dialysised (I know it’s not a word, but…) but they died anyway.
The answer I would love to give:
:: middle fingers waving wildly on both hands::
The answer I would probably give if I didn’t have a filter:
“Wait. Let me try to understand this. You want to tell me all about someone who died from the disease that I live with everyday and all the horrible things that could happen to me? What kind of sadist are you? The verbal kind, apparently. You’ll never make it into the 50 Shades of Grey movie that way.”
3. “Should you be eating that?”
The answer I would pay money to give:
::stuffs four of whatever it is into my mouth, then proceed to do my impression of John Belushi in Animal House::
The answer I would give if there were no mashed potatoes present:
“I’m so glad you caught me eating this! In reality, all I am allowed is water and cardboard sprinkled with artificial sweetener. Once in a blue moon, I can have a wilted piece of Bibb lettuce with some fat free dressing. Without you standing here questioning my judgement about what I can or can’t put in my body, I’d be done for! Thank you!”
4. “I heard about how someone who took (insert useless food item here) or used (some inane thing) was cured of diabetes. Have you tried that?”
The answer I’d give if it wasn’t illegal:
::grab the closest cudgel and hit the person over the head::
The answer I would prefer to give if I couldn’t render them unconscious:
“No way! Get me some of that stuff right now! My doctors have been lying to me all of this time! All that money wasted on insulin and testing supplies and labs! All that time spent in hospitals! All those tears! All that heartache! How come no one before you ever mentioned this! ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
5. “I thought you couldn’t have kids if you have diabetes. I saw Steel Magnolias.”
The answer I give:
“I saw it, too. It sucked. It sucked more than Dumb and Dumber. Have you read my blog? You should.”