Creeper

723890_942368176.3%.

6.5%

6.8%

The last three A1Cs.

My CDE asked a simple question:

“What do we need to do?”

I love that she thinks she can help. That she can do something. But I know better.

I’m a creeper. And I know why I’m creeping up, but I’ve been ignoring it.

I’m ignoring the beeps and buzzes of my Dexcom. John will hear it go off – in the other room, because I can ignore it more effectively if it’s not near me – and he’ll say: “Your diabetes is going off.” I’ll nod, say: “It’s high.” or “It’s low.”

Actually look at it? Well…

Take action on it? Well…

Sometimes it takes someone else to point out that you’re creeping. After I went to my latest appointment, John told me that he’s noticing that I’m not doing anything after I see my blood glucose level on a screen.

“Why? What’s stopping you from doing this when you know it will help you?”

The lows are scaring the hell out of me, because I’m not feeling them until they are so bad that my heart is pounding and I’m in panic mode. The highs are safety. And when they’re too high for too long, my action is to SWAG to bring it down, but never so much that I’ll be at 100. I want to feel safe. And I also know that I don’t have to be as vigilant if I know I’m high . And that’s dangerous.

“What do we need to do?”

It’s what I need to do.

Take action. Take care. Listen to the technology that I do have to help. Do it.

I’m not burned out, but I’m in that headspace where my own diabetes becomes a distant hum of a gnat I can’t swat, so I let it buzz.

And creep.

My CDE and I upped my basal rate, looking at the graphs that were in front of us, and I’m hoping that the highs will stop being so high – and I’ll work on listening to the Dexcom.

It takes listening to others sometimes to make a change happen. Listening to your medical team, your family and friends, and the DOC. (Because, DOC, knowing that I am not the only one who does this makes me feel not so alone.)

And then doing it.

So, thank you to my CDE and John and the DOC for being the “we”.

I’m done creeping for now.

0 comments
  1. I totally understand your frustration. To be honest, shit happens. If you feel safer with a higher a1c, your doctor should understand. My last one was 7.3 (lowest it’s been in a verrryyy long time). My doctor was happy with that, and even commented that it was “normal.” That sounded strange to me, but he still urges me to get it lower so that when we are ready to have a baby, I won’t have a lot of adjustments to make.
    Keep up the good work, and pat yourself on the back for at least keeping it under 7.

    1. I will always pat myself on the back, because I remember how I felt when my A1Cs were MUCH higher than that. Thank you. (Sometimes we just need to hear that it’s OK from someone else who gets that, right?)

      1. Wow, those A1c’s are so great. Really, to even be under 7 without constant lows is very impressive. I usually hover just above these days, and I have worked on being okay with that. Trying to focus on having a good range without wild swings versus the low A1C. Give yourself credit for what you are already doing right!

  2. As I read this, I understand how you’re feeling. Especially in light of that possibly-glucagon-worthy low you wrote about recently, I totally get it. And though I wasn’t there at your appointment, I wonder if your CDE really gets it.

    Does the “we” really mean “we”, or is it just a term to project friendliness? I don’t know, but the raising of basal rates concerns me. From what you write, the issue of the A1c-creep has to do with your hesitance to correct, and not your basal rates. I’ve had doctors play with my rates constantly, thinking that will be the magic bullet, and it’s not. It’s because of me and what I’m doing (or not doing).

    I hope I’m wrong and that this creep will retreat (there is a LOT I don’t know about the situation), but it sounds like you and I both see that it’s not just basals at issue.

  3. I didn’t know how to describe the space I’m in right now with my diabetes, but this is it! It’s not full blown burnout, but I’m in a place where I just need a little more space with diabetes. I’m tired of giving it FULL attention. The key is to not stay in this space for too long that the A1cs keep going up.

  4. […] found myself nodding consistently when reading through this Creeper post by Christel Aprigliano over at The Perfect D, because I’ve been going through the exact same […]

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